


criminal minds as texts

by butimincontrolnow



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: I'm Sorry, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Pure Chaos, she's a lesbian sorry bro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28848699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimincontrolnow/pseuds/butimincontrolnow
Summary: criminal minds as texts between my friends and me ripidk what's gonna be in here so here's your warning
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. part 1

emily: you're dying a double virgin 

reid: i hate yo  
reid: u 

emily: aww baby virgin can't spell  
emily: PLS

reid: that's because im gay

-

jj: PLS IM NOT THE ONLY ONE SCARED OF 3:33

emily: WHY?

morgan: wait why am i missing something

jj: 3 USED TO BE MY FAVORITE NIMBER AND NOW IM TERRIFIED OF IUT

emily: it should be 6:66 you're afraid of  
emily: WHY???

morgan: EMILY-?

jj: 6:66 doesn't exist  
jj: you dumbass 

-

penelope: lolz

emily, jj, and morgan at the same time: lolzies 

penelope: how do you 

emily: PLEASE

jj: LMAO

penelope: verbally pronounce lmao

-

penelope: my eyes are OPEN i can see the future 

hotch: am i rich

penelope: no you're dead 

emily: am i horny

hotch: oh

penelope: do i have to answer that emily

emily: no

-

jj: GUYS

emily: HWAT

jj: A HOT GIRL LIKES ME

emily: me bitch  
emily: ANYWAYS

-

penelope : STOP CHANGING THE GODDAMN GROUP CHAT NAME BEFORE I SUCK IN YOUR TEETH THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLES

emily : that's uh  
emily : well

morgan : that's

penelope : a goddamn threat is what it is

emily : a very good one, thanks

penelope : ye s so  
penelope : s t o p c h a n g i n g it

jj : wh y

lesbianprentiss. changed the chat name: no❤️

penelope : because i said so  
penelope : OMFG

-

emily: so

jj: so

emily: y'know how i was pretty convinced iowa didn't exist 

jj: yeah

emily: wel apparently it does 

jj: i'm  
jj: wtf

emily: and i straight up thought it was near the carolinas but apparently but it's near nebraska ??

-

emily: eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs

morgan: taht doesn't sound very lesbian of you

reid: do crime be gay if cops come run away 

-

penelope: make them yourself milf 

jj: BAJFJF MILF

emily: IM A MILF ??

morgan: MILF

jj: LMAOJGMG

morgan: IM

penelope: DUH??

emily: I LOBE IT HERE

-

penelope: the spouse that the milf cheats on

emily: yeah

jj: DHMU

penelope: LKAO

emily: YOU CHEATED ON ME

jj: YEAH LIKE 5 TIMES BUT IT DOESNT COUNT

penelope: BABAJBSABD

emily: THSI IS ILLEGAL

jj: OH WHAT AM I GONNA TO GO TO FEDERAL PRISON FOR CHEATING ON YOU

emily: YES YOU ARE

-

emily: ill come to your house and force feed you cauliflower 

rossi: and how do you plan on doing that?

emily: i cant teleport you see  
emily: and then 

morgan: what if i'm hiding 

emily: when i get to your house, i will  
emily: i don't know how to say this without it sounding wrong  
emily: pin you down and shove cauliflower in your mouth 

rossi: i mean how do you plan to force cauliflower down my throat? 

emily: water 

rossi: you think i'd just let myself be pinned down?

emily: i'm strong 

rossi: just keep telling yourself that buddy 

-

morgan: emily are you going to fuck my mom  
morgan: be honest 

emily: uh

penelope : LMAO I 

emily: no comment 

morgan: EMILY???  
morgan: E MI LY ??????  
morgan: EMILY A R E YOU GOUNG TO FUCK MY MOM

emily: IVE GOT YOUR MOM 

morgan: UH OH

-

emily: MUSTARD ‼️‼️‼️‼️ CTA ‼️‼️‼️

jj: MUSTARD ⁉️⁉️

emily: MUTHDARD

jj: NOY MUTHDRAD

-

emily: slepe FEMALE 

penelope: SPIRAL COURTSHIP

emily: PAMELA'S PAMELA'S

penelope: DADDY diary 

emily: SALAD LAPTOP

penelope: SPEAKS BOORISH 

-

jj: kith on your elbow 😙

emily: you cannot control my dangerous impulses  
emily: NO

jj: STAY SAFE OR ILL PUT YOU IN DANGER MYSELF 

emily: FINE  
emily: GET THE FBI INVOLVED APPARENTLY THEYRE PRETTY HOT 

jj: IM LEAVING 

-

reid: lesbian bean uwu

emily: STOP IT IM GOING TO GO INSANE 

-

morgan: STOP

reid: LAWNMOWER 

rossi: %

penelope: LAWNMOWER  
penelope: % tree 

jj: lawnmower ! lawnmowers are quite cute tbh  
they hve wee wheels xx 

penelope: JJ-?

-

emily: i may have spelled every word wrong but  
emily: inknow adams rap

penelope: BAHSHSHSHHAH  
penelope: you're a rapper not a speller 

emily: exactly

-

reid: let me see what mint tastes like 

penelope: i am going to be switzerland 

emily: OKAY HOLD THE FUCK ON  
emily: ONE 

reid: what. 

emily: REID DO YOU?? NOT KNOW?? WHAT MINT TASTES LIKE??

emily: TWO

penelope: oh i didn't even read the messages

emily: PENELOPE-???

-

emily: I LEAVE FOR TWO MINUTES TO GET A SCREENSHOT 

penelope: yeah. mating call. 

jj: aWOOGA  
jj: LSNSHSJSJSHEJ

penelope: AWOOG  
penelope: A  
penelope: BARK  
penelope: GROWLS

emily: AMD YOU TWO ARE MAKING MATING CALLS AT EACH OTHER?!?


	2. part 2: thank you for 100 hits ????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can you tell emily's my favorite character

emily: you are  
emily: god

jj: i am  
jj:god  
jj: bow down to me

emily: so true  
emily: on my knees rn  
emily: for something different but

-

emily: shave your heart  
emily: head 

penelope: HWART

morgan: HEART

penelope: shave your heart <33

emily: you can shave that too

penelope: okay sweeney todd 

emily: it's too hairy 

-

jj: I WISH I HAD JESSIES GIRL

reid: look. i cant understand words

jj: WHERE CAN I FIND A WOMAN LIKE THAT 

reid: i wish i had jesus' girl

jj: i wish i had jesus

-

morgan: tbh emily seems like the person to have a choking kink 

reid: I

emily: LMAO  
emily: BYE

reid: i

emily: if it was jj choking me, yes 

reid: i

-

emily: mmm i love dirnking cat poop

jj: i

morgan: what the fuck emily

jj: man emilys humor is weird 

-

penelope: i'm obsessed  
penelope: *sends photos of tom nook*

-

penelope : danny devito but with hair and younger  
penelope : is human tom nook

-

reid: do you know wht this is  
reid: *sends a photo of a stink bug*

emily: spider 

reid: spider. 

emily: is it. 

reid: no. 

-

jj: just saw a whole ass dick on my school laptop 👍

penelope: HAHAHA HOW 

reid: w h a t

-

reid: may i ask  
reid: what is an egirl 

penelope: REID ????

emily: don't ask me what an egirl is  
emily: STOP IT  
emily: IM CRYIFNFNG

-

jj: are those tits  
emily: see im glad jj knows that they're tits

-

emily: god damn i'm laughing so hard that my poop escaped from my asshole  
penelope: LMAO  
penelope: DID OYU SHIT YOUR PANS  
emily: yes🛐

-

emily: oh jay jay jj  
j. j  
miss jj i love you yeah bro  
jay jay. and all your milfs  
i love you bro  
mhm i do  
you can't say you love me more because i wrote a poem uh huh  
jen jenneth  
jay jay i love you yeah bro

-

emily: POV: ur jj and she’s a discord mod  
“,, pee for me kitten😏😏😏”  
emily: pov: you’re reid as he bites your ankles bc he's a furry  
“GRRR BAKR BARK BITE *bites your ankles uwu*" 

hotchner3627 removed lesbianprentiss. from the group. 

jj: *pisses on your floor* "oops teehee" "uwu"

hotchner3627 removed cheetogal5 from the group. 

-

reid: ah fuck, dropped my homosexuality

emily: not again reid  
emily: you said it wouldn't happen again

reid: sorry, ill pick it up

emily: thank you  
emily: it started to invade my kitchen 

-

morgan: would you peg baljeep in the tailpipe yes or no 

emily: no i'm a lesbian 

reid: yes he's a cilf 

emily: CILF

morgan: CILF

jj: PLEASE  
jj: CILF


	3. part 3: props to anyone gets any of the references

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some of these were stolen directly from megmegs characters as texts thank you megmeg (trxnaweisenbachfeld)

emily: are you... y'know.. g- g- homosexual. 

jj: uh. possibly.

emily: oh. 

jj: are you... 🏡 of 😱 

emily: i am a house of horrors yes 

jj: STOP  
jj: EM-  
jj: home of phobia HELP ME

emily: OH

-

jj: 🚼🏌️♂️ can we do this to all babies

penelope: eliminate all babies 2020

morgan: yuh 

emily: an unexpected hole in one, just like your moms pregnancy

-

penelope: i have just  
penelope: somehow  
penelope: been roped into joining the french debate team 

emily: wh

penelope: instant regret because i  
penelope: cannot  
penelope: - debate  
penelope: or   
penelope: - speak french

rossi: good luck pal

-

morgan: i dont like eating children- reid 2020

morgan pinned a message to this channel. See all the pins. 

reid: I MEANT CHICKEN

-

morgan: you missed out on a lot of bankers and free prom girls- emily 2020

emily: HAHHAHA

-

emily: "she's watching thomas the train- i mean tommyinnit" -jayje 

-

jj: her hair is so greasy it makes me uneasy   
jj: THAT RHYMED 

emily: i   
emily: ew  
emily: KAJGHAHRKRKKQJWHQBWVGE

jj: i'm a poet what can i say 

emily: IM LOSING IT

-

jj: emily said Add me back 〖𝔸𝕒〗Fonts for iPhone & Android - www.fontskeyboard.com

jj added emily to the group. 

morgan: oh

penelope: I CNAT

emily: thank you

penelope: SHE WAS TRYING TO GOT O EHR EMOHIS

-

morgan: shiiiii girl.. u know i like girls shorter than me most o the time but ill settle... ur ass @ eye level ALL the time baybee😈⚡️⚡️🔥🔥🔥

emily: shiiiii girl.. u know i like girls shorter than me most o the time but ill settle... ur ass @ eye level ALL the time baybee😈⚡️⚡️🔥🔥🔥

morgan: shiiiii girl.. u know i like girls shorter than me most o the time but ill settle... ur ass @ eye level ALL the time baybee😈⚡️⚡️🔥🔥🔥

emily: shiiiii girl.. u know i like girls shorter than me most o the time but ill settle... ur ass @ eye level ALL the time baybee😈⚡️⚡️🔥🔥🔥

-

hotch removed emily from the group

hotch removed emily from the group 

hotch added emily to the group

emily: PLEASE  
emily: LMAOROOA

hotch: i hated that so much that i removed you twice

emily: IM LEAVHIINGGAHHA  
emily: IM ORBIITINY INTO THE XASIS

-

penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go  
penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go  
penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go  
penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go

morgan: YES GROW PENELOPE GROW

-

penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go

reid: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go

penelope: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go

reid: i must drink water to grow. therefore, showers are the way to go

-

emily: is eating pussy gay or would i be considered a european because i'm trying to cross the border of switzerland but the vodka isn't working  
emily: quick the bears are coming

-

emily: what the fuck is a melatonin 

reid: sleepy gummy 

-

rossi: no because then theyd probabbly sent me to a counselor for being a potential mass murderer

-

emily: that's not the earth that's the ground  
emily: what

-

penelope: okay. you see right here? this is you. and then you flew over to the chair

uh-huh

bang. right on da head. 

you think i got my head banged up?

uh-huh

you think i got *my* head banged up?

uh-huh 

i think you got your head banged up. let me sit in the seat.

bang. right on da head.

no, not right on da head let me sit in the seat im the therapist

the seats right here and see, you flew right over the seat and then you hit your head. right on da head.

yeah that makes sense actually

-

emily: my cat licke my toe

reid: toe locker 

-

emily: let's make a pact and all get euthanized

morgan: omg i’m in

penelope: me walking into the vet clinic like damn shawty i crave that needle more than mendel craves trinas wrist

reid: i am put down

emily: DAMN SHAWTY

morgan: actually no i’m not i have a paralyzing fear of death

emily: ill even get on all fours and bark

penelope: kinky

-

jj: baboobska

-

jj: gay gay lesbians gay gay queen lesbian lesbians gay lesbians lesbian lesbian gay lesbians lesbian lesbians lesbians lesbian lesbian bisexual lesbians gay gay lesbians lesbians lesbian lesbians lesbians  
jj: oh


	4. i'm on the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this ones kinda short 🤚

jj: where did he come from  
jj: where did he go  
jj: where did he come from

penelope: idk

jj: colton eyes joe

penelope: COGTEE  
penelope:COYTEN EYE JOW

-

emily: Slut

jj: emily 

penelope: PAW PATRIM PAW PARTOEL WELL BE YHETE OFN THE ODUBLE

-

emily: LANA BABY  
emily: SHES FREE SHES OUT BUT IM ASSUMING NOT FOR LONG

penelope: LANA

jj: laan vanaab lesbian

-

anyone that’s not emily talking about jj: i would like to hold her hand but nothing else because i'm scared emily may murder me  
same person: it’s an honest concern

-

penelope: emily babes how much do you regret this so far 

morgan: emily i'm sorry for your loss 

emily: on a scale of 0- christian borle ?

penelope: yes. 

emily: matthew morrison 

morgan: oh god 

penelope: STOP

jj: NO

-

emily: JJ WAS JUST FUCKING SCRAPUNG EVERYTHING OFF THE PIZZA WITH A SPORK

-

jj: oh so i'm your grandma, your mom, and your wife now 

emily: jj is love   
emily: jj is life

jj: jj is your wife 

-

penelope: DID YOU KNOW..  
penelope: morgan has clogged the toilet three times 

morgan: STP  
morgan: SORO  
morgan: SOROOEOSOAP

penelope: thnk you for listening

emily: that's weak 

morgan: LMAO

jj: >EMILY??

morgan: EMILY 

penelope: E M I LY

emily: WHAT  
emily: IT IS

-

penelope: we should  
penelope: do a fake love or host 

emily: yes we should

penelope: for emily

emily: yes we should

penelope: ROUND UP THE MILFS

emily: STOP

-

penelope: jj...are you baby... 

jj: ... i... am..

penelope: omg..  
penelope: YOURE BABY?!?!?!

-

morgan: is there anyone's mum you won't date  
morgan: that'd be a shorter list

emily: that's a fair point   
emily: lock up your moms folks, mother fucker on the loose

-

emily: hi folks i started to obsess over another middle aged woman a few weeks ago and have decided you all should know

jj: oh no

-

emily: you should masturabte because i just found out masturbating cures your vagina/dick depression (meaning you’ve never had dick/vagia)

hotch: no

-

morgan: ok if you die what do you want on your tombstone

emily: "Kith"

-

emily: consume soup

jj: no  
jj: ?

emily: why 

jj: make me  
jj: bitch

emily: i am

jj: well  
jj: i say  
jj: uh  
jj: no  
jj: fuck you

emily: bitch

jj: you're not my dad  
jj: or my mom

emily: i'm everyone's daddy

jj: touché 

-

penelope: “emily i frew up😟”  
penelope: and you’d just get out of bet and beat the shit out of me  
penelope: bed*

emily: emmy i frew up 🥺🥺🥺

penelope: “goddamnit you fucking idiot you’re 23”

emily: i'd probably pull a gun on you for waking me up  
emily: you'd just be a fucking black figure in my doorway

penelope: “𝗲𝗺𝗺𝘆 𝗶 𝗳𝗿𝗲𝘄 𝘂𝗽 👺”

emily: STOP

penelope: YOUD JUST  
penelope: TURN OVER AND FLIP ME OFF  
penelope: OR THROW SHIT AT ME

emily: BOTH  
emily: pls i wouldn't even remember that in the morning and then you'd tell me about it and i'd just be like "yeah could've happened idk"

penelope: and i'd keep mentioning it for   
penelope: years

-

emily: WAIT THEY MADE AN EMOJI FOR MY GRANDPA OMG  
emily: ⚱️ 

jj: PLS WHAT  
jj: STOP

emily: 😍😍

jj: WAIT OMG THEY MADE AN EMOJI FOR MY BROTHER  
jj: 💍 

(1. it'd be sister not brother for jj and 2. this is funny with context i swear 👍)

-

jj: we're getting a divorce

emily: FÜÇK MÉ RÄGGŸ

-

1:44 am

reid: i'm having a fucking crisis at almost 2 am

2:01 am

reid: i am now having a crisis at 2 an


	5. ft ben harmon haters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry not sorry to borle

jj: it's 1 am on valentine's day and i'm listening to beach bunny am i at the peak of my life or lowest point 

emily: peak  
emily: there's no way to go up from there 

-

morgan: i have this friend that i'd like to beat the everloving shit out of but is it ok if i do it while ricky montgomery plays in the background   
morgan: is that allowed

emily: fucking do it you only live once 

morgan: ok vibe 

-

emily: happy new year 

jj: happy thanksgiving 

emily: merey christmas 

jj: happy easter 

emily: halpyb halloween 

jj: hppy groundhog day

emily: wtf other holdiadys are there 

jj: independence day  
jj: presidents' day   
jj: verrrins day 

emily: those are dumb dont coutn 

jj: alrighty 

emily: what hte fuck is verrrins day 

jj: very 

emily: veterans 

jj: veternia   
jj: yeha

emily: man you really made me think i somehow missed a holiday my entire life

-

emily: ✂️ 

jj: 🍒 

emily: 😋🍴 

penelope: women ✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩

jj: ✅

emily: 👯♀️ 

-

emily: if none of you got me ....  
emily: *sends a photo of kelli o hara*  
emily: at least i know she got me....

jj: yeah aint none of us got you 

morgan: ^^

-

morgan: my fingers are fucking sonic 

emily: YOYOYO  
emily: SOINC ???!?!?!?!

morgan: SONIC ?!?)()?????!???

jj: OSNCIIC

-

penelope: emily and jj discussing dating me and reid ranting about genshin theories. 

emily: LMAO

jj: so true 

emily: as jj and i should 

penelope: as me and rei d should 

jj: we're just the hopeless romantics and you two are fucking nerds

emily: what nerds 

-

penelope: 👨 🔨 🧑  
ben. me

emily: hammer time 

-

jj: sir borl e with the foot fetsih 

penelope: W. H  
penelope: poor sutton

jj: POOR SURTON 

penelope: yeah   
penelope: poor sutton

jj: big rip to surton

penelope: big rip  
penelope: (mil)f in the chat for sutton

jj: STOP  
jj: (MIL)F

penelope: yes.   
penelope: (mil)f

jj: ill be making that my personality for the next few months thank you


	6. mommy milkers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EVERYBODY STOP TARAS FINALLY IN THIS 
> 
> also i'm sorry to all of my instagram friends, i need to put more of our texts in here 🤚

jj: both of you stop crying istg 

penelope: no i just feel in a crying mood this happens a lot 

jj: dear hod 

penelope: beach bunny once again narrating my breakdowns 

jj: i can see that

penelope: STOP  
penelope: TIRNING SPOTOFY OFF

-

morgan: CAN I BE SHOTGUN  
morgan: ILL CONTROL THE AUX 🙏🏻

reid: i want to be tied up on the roof 

morgan: REID-??!!??

penelope: UH

-

penelope: my heart is going boom boom 

morgan: boom boom boom i want you in my room room room 

-

penelope: i'm gonna send jj ur feet pics 

morgan: maybe jjs into that 

tara: LMAO

emily: LMFAO BYE

tara: plEASE

emily: LEAVING NOW  
emily: BYE

-

emily: there were never any touch privileges in this relationship except violence  
emily: we agreed on those terms

jj: i beg to differ  
jj: remember. that one time you fucking reached for my bra 

emily: HAHAHHAAHAHA  
emily: NO  
emily: I JUST ZONED OUT  
emily: STOP

-

emily: are you still in a relationship still😟

morgan: yes 😦  
morgan: any flirting i do with you guys is  
morgan: fake 

jj: 😮😮

emily: ouch......  
emily: hurted.....

jj: heart brocken

emily: depressd 😢😣

-

morgan: yo

emily: yo

penelope: yo

jj: yo

emily removed jj from the group. 

penelope: LMAO

morgan: DESERVED

emily added jj to the group. 

penelope: PLEASE

jj: i have to pick up cheese tonight 

emily: cheese

penelope: cheese

morgan: cheese

-

emily: "he got that dumpy"

morgan: he do

emily: -morgan 2021

morgan: HELP

-

emily: live every moments like its they your last♥

-

emily: are you constipated 

reid: bo  
reid: i can be layter if you want thoguh 

emily: okok  
emily: thx

reid: np

-

emily: good luck with whipping reid, i don't think he'll stay down...

reid: wHA T 

morgan: what

jj: IM ACREAMING

morgan: WHATY

-

emily: AYO LOOK  
emily: *sends a photo of sergio* 

reid: ca t

jj: BASTARD 

-

penelope: bonkas ...

jj: mommy milkers....

emily: absolutely bonkas...

morgan: BONKAS PLS 

jj: LMAOA

emily: MOMMLY MILKERS  
emily: MMMMMMMMMMMM MOMMY MILKERS

-

emily: we should start a band called the mommy milkers 

penelope: let's do it

jj: i can playing the flute  
jj: or the chime

penelope: i call lead clarinet player 

morgan: I WANNA LEARN THE SAXAPHONE WHORES

emily: alright i wanna play. the drums or. the guitar  
emily: sexiphone 

-

jj: O EMILY

emily: YES

jj: at.. docatrs........ took... my bones.....

**Author's Note:**

> idea very much stolen from my friend (trinasmendel) 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this mess xx


End file.
